Chaos Two: Fck Authority
by tangledribbons
Summary: Draco's mind is broken, Cedric is stressed, Umbridge is coming. Voldemort's a blood stain, for now. And Harry and Sirius? Well, they're just drunk, mostly. Sequel to Chaos, which you really should read first. Rated M for lots of swearing.
1. Chapter 1

And, I'm back. I will hopefully be back in a posting regularly kind of a way, but you know, three jobs and a degree and everything. Also, I apologise if this is a little rusty. I haven't really written much of anything in about three months and it's an odd thing to force yourself to start up again. But at least I've started now!

Also, if you haven't already read Chaos, you should probably read that first or this won't make any sense at all.

* * *

In a dark forest, in a small clearing, in a magical tent, on a small sofa, there lay a teenage boy called-

"Potter! I'm bored!"

Harry and Sirius exchanged a look that spoke volumes. They each thrust their right hands out and Sirius counted down from three: "Uno, dos, tres!"

"Yes! Paper always wins!" he crowed.

Harry looked down at his fist, still shaped like a rock, in annoyance, as though it was his hand's fault that he'd lost. Again.

"But Pads," he whined, "I did it last time!"

"He's your boyfriend," the so-called responsible adult said with a grin. "It's not my fault you pick the crazy ones."

Harry began to open his mouth, intent on insisting that Draco hadn't been crazy when they'd first got together but he quickly closed it again with a snap of his teeth. Draco had still been crazy, it was just that he was crazi_er _now. The former craziness somewhat paled in comparison.

With a resigned sigh, he pulled a cigarette from the carton on the coffee table and lit it with the end of his wand. The nicotine would probably help a lot with what he had to do. It was with trepidation in his steps that he walked to the smaller of the two bedrooms and swung open the door. And the wariness was well deserved considering the scene that he was confronted with.

Draco Malfoy sat cross-legged in the middle of a four poster bed, wearing what looked like his entire wardrobe. He had at least four pairs of trousers on, two skirts, two vests and three dress shirts and an awful lot of robes slung over his shoulders. His first year Hogwarts' hat sat perched on top of his head, tufts of white-blonde hair poking out from under it.

Harry took a deep drag of his cigarette and tried not to giggle at the pout on his boyfriend's lips. He had found out two days before that laughing at new crazy-Draco did not go down well. Something to do with the leftovers of the spell his recently deceased father had cast on him. Apparently proper pureblood sons did not like being made fun of.

"Ah, what's wrong, love?" Harry asked.

Draco shot him a glare and ripped the hat off of his head, throwing it across the room where it bounced almost noiselessly off of the wall.

"I can hear you laughing at me, _Potter_, and stop calling me love. And what's wrong? What's bloody wrong? I'm bored, that's what's wrong! I know you heard me, I can hear that you did."

"Oh for fuck's sake," Harry yelped, "You can't _hear _me! I didn't laugh! Stop doing that! It's fucking creepy, and you know it!"

"Well you didn't have to kidnap me, and force me to stay with you in this boring bloody tent! If you hadn't done that, I would have been back with my godfather, who I actually like, unlike _some _people I could mention, and you wouldn't have to put up with me creeping you out!" Draco snapped. Harry was about to snap back but a streak of red light shot past him and hit the other boy who promptly slumped forwards on the bed, resembling nothing more than a pile of clothes with a tuft of blonde hair.

"What the fuck was that for, Pads? I was handling it!"

"That kid is crazy, mate, we're taking him back. Getting a fucking refund."

Harry glared back at Sirius, lounging in the doorway of the bedroom as if he hadn't just stunned his godson's boyfriend, but he couldn't say much against his words. When they'd snuck into Hogwarts a few days before, they'd both assumed that what they'd been told about Draco's mental condition was a load of shit. He couldn't be _that _bad, after all. Except, it turns out that he could. Most of the time, he vacillated between Luna Lovegood and Lucius Malfoy, with very occasional moments of the whiny little ponce that Harry had grown to love.

"Fiine," Harry sighed, stomping out of the room to pack up his stuff. After kidnapping Draco, they'd grabbed a tent and a few bottles of tequila and had been hiding out in a forest in the middle of god-knows-where. It looked, however, like it was time to go back to Dumbledore. "And then I need a fucking drink."

"Oh my god, me too, pup, me too," Sirius agreed, a little more cheerful than before at the prospect of a good night out. He glanced back at the pile of clothes on the bed and frowned, wanting to kill Lucius Malfoy all over again.

* * *

Cedric Diggory was freaking out. He was freaking out big time. You're the responsible one, they'd said. We're just reckless, they'd said. You've got to keep us in line, they'd said. What they'd forgotten to say was that keeping Harry Potter and Sirius Black in line was just about the hardest thing anybody had been tasked to do in the history of just about _ever. _They'd _kidnapped _a kid, for crying out loud! I mean, okay, so it's a kid that they knew, and it was (sort of, maybe) Harry's boyfriend but that was emphatically not the point. The point was the people he was supposed to be keeping in line, keeping on track, had so far spent their summer kidnapping a boy instead of hunting for horcruxes _like they were supposed to. _

"So you truly have no idea where they would have gone?"

Cedric gulped. Even after being drawn into the horcrux hunt, he was still not used to being in the immediate vicinity of Albus Dumbledore. Sure, the old wizard might seem like someone's grandfather, but that someone's grandfather was one with the ability to smite anyone they wished. It would be like, if Jesus had a kid. Then that kid's grandfather would be Albus Dumbledore.

Realising that his thoughts had gone down a completely unrelated path, Cedric gulped again.

"Ah, no, sir. I've checked Grimmauld Place, all of the bars and pubs within a ten mile radius, that tattoo place that Sirius likes, the Shrieking Shack, the Forbidden forest, Sirius's girlfriend's house in muggle London, Hermione's, the Weasley's, Neville's… Everywhere I could think of. They've just disappeared," Cedric wailed, and if a single tear leaked from his eye as he did, we'll have to forgive him. When he said that he'd checked all of those places, he really had. All in the last two days. With no sleep and not even a single proper meal.

"Are you crying?"

Dumbledore's head shot up with a snap, and Cedric turned around to see none other than Harry _bloody _Potter and Sirius _fucking _Black standing calmly in the doorway. Over his left shoulder, Harry had a body slung which seemed to be Draco Malfoy. Though Cedric couldn't tell for certain as he wasn't thoroughly acquainted with the boy in question's buttocks, and that was all that was really visible of his anatomy.

"My dear boy-" Dumbledore tried to begin a lecture, but Cedric cut him off rather speedily.

"Am I crying? _Am I crying? _Are you kidding me? You're lucky I haven't bloody pulled my hair out and had a nervous breakdown by now! You kidnapped him! We said he had to stay here- for his own safety, I might add- and you went and bleeding kidnapped him. And now he's dead. Brilliant, you've killed him. I mean, why else wouldn't he be conscious and walking right next to you, because you've killed him, that's why. Oh my god, this is a nightmare. I think I actually might cry."

Sometime during his rant, Cedric had stood up, gesticulating wildly, but now he sank back down into the chair opposite Dumbledore (who hadn't moved in this time) and dropped his head into his hands. The office was silent, the rest of its occupants stunned into silence.

"I'm not dead," said the muffled voice of Draco Malfoy after a few moments.

"Holy fu-!" Harry yelped, startling and dropping the not-so-unconscious boy off of his shoulder and onto the floor, which he hit with a dull thud.

"I might be dead now," said the even more muffled and more than slightly pained voice of Draco Malfoy.

"I stunned you! You're not meant to be all… talky and shit!" Sirius squealed, in a very, very manly fashion. Not at all like a two year old who'd just had their toe stepped on.

"This is, to put it lightly, getting rather silly. Why don't we all take a seat and you can explain what exactly has been happening over the last few days," Dumbledore's tone was commanding, but Cedric was disappointed to see that the headmaster seemed to be rather amused by the entire proceedings.

When they were all sat down in conjured chairs, Draco complaining the entire time, Dumbledore spoke again.

"Now, I'm assuming that you, Mr Malfoy, did not go willingly with these two?"

"Of course not! As if I'd go anywhere with Potter and his pet idiot. Do you know how loudly they laugh? And it's all the time, and sometimes it isn't even out loud and it's _so loud," _Draco said, crossing his arms against his chest defensively.

"I… see," Dumbledore peered at the Slytherin over the top of his glasses, but didn't comment on the strangeness of his words. Instead, he turned to Harry and Sirius, skipping straight over Cedric, a fact that the Hufflepuff was all too glad for. He was still feeling rather overwhelmed and wanted nothing more than to go back to his dad's house and finish reading that textbook on the healing properties of plants that he'd started before this whole mess had begun.

"So you took him against his will then. May I ask what exactly you thought you'd achieve out of this expedition?"

"Ah, we kind of thought that it'd be… you know… fun. That he could use a little fun, that is," Harry muttered glumly, playing with one of the holes in the hem of his Sex Pistols t-shirt. Sirius next to him stayed silent, although his was mostly because he was still staring at Draco and trying to figure out the laughing comment.

"And you did not consider the fact that Draco's mind was torn apart when the spell his father placed on him was severed? You did not consider the fact that perhaps your idea of fun was the last thing that he needed?"

"They got me drunk and I could see the stars moving," Draco piped up, somewhat happily.

"Yeah, from inside the bloody tent," Sirius shuddered slightly.

"We know. We do. We fucked up. That's why we brought him back, so that he could, you know, get better and all. Well, that and Pads was getting really creeped out," Harry said sheepishly, fumbling a cigarette out of his jeans pocket and lighting it with the tip of Sirius's offered wand. He ignored his godfather's frantic gesturing to give him one, however. What? It was his last pack.

"You fucked up? Seriously?" Blaise Zabini's voice came from the doorway. "You stole him! You can't just go around stealing people!"

"Do you never close your door?" Cedric asked Dumbledore, forgetting his fear of the headmaster in a moment of pure exasperation.

"Hmm, I thought I'd try leaving it open, to see if I had been missing any opportunities by closing off the outside world. I think I may call the experiment a failure, however, and return to my previous habits," the old man answered, popping a lemon sherbet into his mouth and watching the slowing devolving shouting match between Harry and Blaise with interest.

"Might be an idea," Cedric commented as Blaise shot out a fist and punched Harry square in the jaw. "Never know Zabini to be this hotheaded."

"Ah, but when one is worried about a friend, one's previous personality tends to become a little skewed."

"I'm going to the bathroom," Draco announced loudly, stepping over Harry's groaning body as he left the room. "Goodbye, all."


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews and the favourites etc. for the first chapter of this. I'm really glad people are happy that I'm writing the sequel, and now my boyfriend thinks I'm internet famous after seeing all of the alerts flood my inbox. Always nice. I want to reply to the reviews, but I really do have very little free time atm, and am generally overtired in those moments anyway. So I'll get to them when I can :) Enjoy!

* * *

Albus Dumbledore sighed as he stood at the window of his office high up in the castle, watching the far away dots that were Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape stroll around the grounds of Hogwarts. The sun was shining down on the pair, but Albus could not bring himself to think of how fortunate the pair had been. They had both survived a fight that should have seen their deaths. They both had friends, a home and a chance to fight for their futures. But they had such deep scars as well.

By the time Madam Pomfrey had seen to Draco, it was too late. The cuts down one side of his face could be healed, but they couldn't be stopped from scarring. Harry had declared them roguish and handsome when he had first seen his boyfriend after the fight, but Albus knew from Severus that Draco avoided looking into mirrors as much as he could these days. And the Potion's professor was not faring much better. His throat had been badly damaged during the fight, the voice box being almost ripped out. Pomfrey had fixed it as best she could but it was going to take a while for the potions to repair the damage completely. In the meantime he couldn't speak, couldn't laugh, and had to use charms at all times to keep his head and neck in the right position. It was making him rather a lot snappier than he usually was, and Harry and Sirius were very luck that he was undergoing treatment in the hospital wing when they had brought Draco back, or Severus may well have cast some spells that he would regret later on down the line. In a few years or so, perhaps.

Of course, in the case of young Draco it was not just physical scars that he had to accept. The abrupt ending of the curse that Lucius had cast on his son had shattered Draco's mind to pieces. The pieces of himself that were his originally, that were not some fabrication of his father's, had scattered, and now he had to fit them back together, back where they should be.

"And Lucius knew that it would happen," Albus ground out, fury flashing in his normally genial eyes. Fawkes squawked loudly from his perch, agreeing with his master. When the news finally broke to the rest of the wizarding world, Albus was sure that, for all their faults, they would react the same way. It was unthinkable to most of the magical population to hurt one's own heir, even if it was in an attempt to corral them. That was why spells such as the one Lucius used went out of fashion. That was why Sirius had never been disowned as well. With the magical population declining, and bloodlines becoming more important, most families were unwilling to risk either harming or discarding a potential heir to carry on their name. On this, at least, they would all be agreed. The matter of Voldemort's return, however, was less clear.

Minister Fudge had been to visit Albus the day before. He stopped his eyes from flickering over to the desk, where the copy of the ministerial decree still lay. The ministry would have the power to appoint a teacher should Albus be unable to provide a suitable candidate. It was aimed, of course, at the defence post. Every year Albus struggled to find even one half-way suitable teacher, and this year he had found himself unable to do even that. With his decline in popularity as his 'claims' about Voldemort's brief return reached the general populace, not even one of those he had asked was willing to align themselves with the headmaster. He only had one contact left to try.

"Dobby?" He asked the empty office, unsure of whether or not the little elf would answer him. A free elf was something that Albus had not dealt with in many, many years. And a free elf belonging to Harry and Sirius? Dobby was certainly unique, and therefore unpredictable.

"Yes Mr Dumbles?" The elf squeaked the instant he popped into the room. He was wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and cut off denim shorts. He was also swaying slightly where he stood.

"Hello, Dobby," the headmaster smiled kindly, "I was wondering if you could help me with a little problem I've been having."

"Master doggy be telling me that you would ask for help with a problem and to be telling you that under no circumstances will I go near your private parts, no matter what sort of problem you be having."

Albus gaped down at the elf, for once lost for words. Dobby swayed on the spot a bit more violently and Fawkes let out a gentle trill in the hopes that it would stop the elf from vomiting on the carpet.

"I, ah, it's not that sort of problem, Dobby. No, I actually have a vacant teaching spot to fill, and I was wondering if you knew anybody? I have already tried my other contacts and they could not come up with a suitable candidate, but I thought that you would, perhaps, have a rather unique perspective on the situation."

"Hmm, I's be seeing who I can find, Mr Dumbles," Dobby said through clenched teeth, and then he was gone. Albus severely hoped that he had apparated right in front of Sirius and puked all over him. It would serve him right for that genitals joke.

* * *

When Harry woke up, it was to bright light and the sound of loud singing coming from downstairs. Both were highly undesirable in his hungover state, and to demonstrate his annoyance he groaned weakly and pulled a pillow over his head. The exertion needed to complete even this small action was enough to make him groan weakly again, though this time it was muffled by the pillow so nobody else had to listen to his pitiful whines.

"C'mon, pup, get up!" Sirius shouted, right into his godson's ear. Harry yelped and jumped backwards, colliding the back of his head with Sirius's chin in his hurry to find his wand and curse the attacker. He didn't get far, however, as the collision caused his headache to intensify and so he mostly just fell onto the floor with a whimper.

"You're a fucking wanker in the morning, you know that, right?" He asked as soon as he'd figured out what was actually going on.

"I know!" Sirius grinned, "I'm a wanker most of the rest of the time as well. Well, apart from when Ruby's around and then it's less wanki-"

"Fucking hell, Pads, I did not want to imagine that! You're old, it's gross, and I already bloody feel sick."

"Enough of the old stuff, you little shit!" Sirius yelped indignantly, "Or next time I won't tell you that Moony's cooking breakfast. I'll just leave you to whinge in bed by yourself."

"Wait, that's Moony singing down there?" Harry asked, picking himself up from the floor and beginning to crash around his room in an attempt to find some clothing that wasn't fishnets and black boxers. Where that outfit had come from, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. If he didn't know, he could believe it was a prank. Yes, definitely a prank.

"Yeah," Sirius frowned, "But don't mention it to him. I heard him and Dobby talking about barber shop quartets last week and I really don't want to get dragged into it."

Harry shuddered violently at the thought of Dobby in a striped outfit serenading people. And then he shuddered even more violently as a wave of nausea went through him.

"Be right back," he threw over his shoulder as he ran for the bathroom.

By the time he got downstairs, his breakfast was half cold but he ate it anyway after downing the hangover potion Dobby had helpfully placed next to Harry's orange juice.

"What we doing today then, pup?" Sirius asked energetically, leaning forward over the table until he could almost touch Harry's face with his outstretched fingers. Harry batted his godfather's hands away before answering.

"What are you doing, Pads? Get your grubby hands away from me," He moaned, reaching into the pocket of his tight green jeans in a search for a lighter. He found it eventually in his back pocket and, flicking it open, lit the cigarette poking out from between his lips.

Remus frowned slightly at Harry's continual smoking in the kitchen but let it go. Last time he'd complained about it had left him with pink clothes (even his boxers) and a muggle werewolf mask superglued to his head. He still hated Hermione just a little for introducing Sirius to superglue.

"Well, I'm giving Winky another reading lesson and then I thought that I'd-"

"Do something boring and nerdy?" Sirius asked, grinning as he cut Remus off mid-sentence.

"I _thought _that I'd," Remus carried on without even glancing at his friend's obnoxiously happy face, "Carry on combing through your library for information on horcruxes, or Voldemort, or, well, anything really."

"Booooriiiinngg!"

"Oh yeah, and I'm sure it'll be really boring when I figure out how to destroy his horcruxes and we kill him once and for all. Sounds like a yawn."

"Oh, pish," Harry waved Remus' words away with a hand, "Leave all that reading stuff to Dumbles. Let's do something fun!"

"Harry, we have to at least work on-"

"Fiiiineee," Harry sighed. "But in a fun way, alright?"

"I know!" Sirius announced loudly, knocking his chair over backwards when he stood up in excitement, "Let's go rob the Malfoys!"


	3. Chapter 3

This is a little late but in my defence I haven't had a day off in other three weeks now and I think I'm starting to go a little loopy. There's been a lot of lying around on the sofa in the evenings and giggling to myself. My boyfriend's finding me very strange at the moment. But I got it written! And I'll try to get the next one out a little quicker :)

* * *

Draco hummed to himself as he stirred his potion three times anti-clockwise, half a turn clockwise and then ten and three quarters of a turn anti-clockwise. It was a tune from an old muggle biscuit advert, though the pureblood wasn't sure how he knew that or even that he should know that. His mind told him that he was disgusting for knowing it at the same time as telling him that he knew it. It was all very confusing. Things were easier when he holed himself up in the dungeons with Severus, but only just.

Turning off the heat, he sighed and ran a hand through the short side of his hair. It had just been growing out of the haircut he'd had when he was with Potter when his face had been torn to pieces. When he'd been seen in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey had seen fit to simply vanish one side of his hair so that she could see the entire wound clearly. There was a good inch or so growing back now, and Blaise had been bugging him to just cut the other side to match but Draco found that he didn't much care. He had to wait for his mind to grow back, after all, so why not wait for his hair?

A tapping sound drew his attention back to his surroundings, and specifically to his godfather. The older man had been less lucky in his recovery from his wounds, his physical ones at least, than Draco had, but his recovery still looked good. Draco was dreading Severus being able to speak again though, sure that so much time without being able to make sarcastic comments every five minutes would just result in an overload of sarcasm once he was finally healed. Mind you, so long as he was put in the vicinity of some Gryffindors beforehand, it could be quite amusing to watch.

His godfather tapped the cauldron, pointed to the jar of minced Bowtruckle hearts and made a gesture with his fingers that Draco couldn't quite understand. It didn't help matters much that Severus had always lost at charades every Christmas at the Malfoy household when Draco was growing up.

"Did you ever see the old greenhouse in Black's garden?" Draco asked and then frowned. He was sure that was not what he meant to say. It couldn't have been because those words did not make sense in this conversation. Did they? "Stop being sarcastic in your head!"

There was a moment of silence in which Draco knew his godfather would be thoroughly checking his Occlumency shields and then Severus narrowed his eyes and tapped the cauldron again. Before he could begin his game of charades again, however, Draco's head shot up, his eyes rolling backwards into his head slightly.

"Godfather," he tilted his head to one side and almost smiled. "We need to go and visit my mother. Right now." And with that, he dropped the long-handled spoon with which he'd been stirring his potion and marched out of the door. Severus gritted his teeth and followed quickly after, wondering what the hell his godson was thinking this time. A visit to Narcissa Malfoy was surely the last thing that any of them needed.

* * *

Harry was the only one of his small party to notice when Draco and Snape apparated nearby. He was standing at the front door of the Malfoy mansion, leaning against the door frame and swigging from his hipflask, watching in amusement as Dobby knocked a tune on the door. Moony and Padfoot were too busy arguing to notice the newcomers.

"This _is _practical," Sirius insisted, "Perfectly practical."

Harry snorted. For some reason his godfather was unable to admit that he just wanted to ransack the mansion. He couldn't blame him, of course, although Harry's own feelings went more towards burning it to the ground. Mind, as Lucius was dead already, he didn't suppose that would do much good either. Just lose Draco a buttload of money.

"Is it, really though?" Remus asked, one eyebrow almost reaching his hairline.

"Yes! He had one of them, why wouldn't he have two?"

"Oh yeah, because Voldemort would really have entrusted two pieces of his soul to the same follower. He wasn't that dim, Padfoot. Besides, we all know you just want to nick stuff."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

Harry smothered down a laugh as he could see Snape jiggling around slightly on the balls of his feet, clearly dying to say something rude and offensive to the bickering adults. The bickering adults that still, somehow, hadn't even noticed the Potions master's presence. Draco's either, but Harry was rather determinedly not looking at his ex-boyfriend ever since the kidnapping debacle.

"Did not! And besides, you didn't have to come along!"

"Didn't have to- Are you kidding me? Someone had to stop you two going on a rampage!"

"Oh, stop acting all high and mighty. We all know you'll be the one to steal the best stuff, anyway. And pup," Sirius turned to Harry with an outstretched hand and pleading eyes, "Gimme a swig of that will you? I feel like I'll need it to deal with dear cousin Ciss-"

Just then the door opened and Harry almost fell into the house. He righted himself and almost fell over again at the sight he saw in the doorway. Narcissa Malfoy was no longer the tall, imposing, and almost obnoxiously well put together woman that she used to be, it seemed. Instead she was looking rather dishevelled in a set of rumpled green silk pyjamas and a grey bathrobe. Her usually coifed hair was pulled into a messy bun on top of her head, strands falling out haphazardly and her makeup was smudged down her cheeks. She held a half-empty bottle of wine in one hand.

"Visitors," she muttered to herself, casting a disapproving eye over Harry who was closest, "You could have made yourself a little more presentable, dear."

Harry raised his eyebrows incredulously, ignoring the snort of laughter from Draco behind him. He wasn't dressed _that _badly. Not compared to the get-up he'd woken up in that morning. He glanced down quickly, just to check that Pads hadn't pranked his clothing in some way. Nope. Green jeans and a sleeveless grey vest with a day of the dead skull plastered over it.

"You're one to talk, mother," Draco giggled and Sirius and Remus jumped about a foot in the air.

"What?" Sirius gaped, "When the hell did you two sneak up on us? What are you, ninjas now?"

Harry sniggered, imagining Draco and Snape dressed up in black and sneaking up on people. And then he looked down at the flask in his hand and decided that he might possibly be a little bit drunk already.

"Drakey-poo!" Narcissa squealed, trying to barge past Harry and Sirius who stood immediately in front of her to get to her son. Harry grabbed her arm and stopped her in her tracks.

"If you think we're going to let you near him after what you let your dear husband do, lady, you're fucking crazy," he snarled.

"Pup, have you seen her? Pretty sure she's what comes up in the dictionary when you look up the word crazy," Sirius grinned, obviously enjoying his cousin's fall from grace.

"Ahem," Dobby squeaked, a little put-out at having been ignored for so long. He'd been trying to get their attention for a good two minutes now. "We's be having a job to do, remember?"

"Ah! Yes! The quest!" Sirius thrust one fist valiantly into the air and Remus dragged a hand down his face. Harry missed his sword more than ever. It just didn't feel like a proper quest when he didn't have his sword anymore. All of his favourite quests had involved swords. There was the basilisk thing, the stabbing Voldie in the back thing. It just wasn't the same.

"Move, wench," Sirius demanded, pushing Narcissa to one side and barging into the house. "Come, minions!"

"Oy, you twat, if anyone's the leader here, it's clearly me. I'm the most famous, after all," Harry protested, although he followed his godfather inside anyway.

"But _I'm _the most roguish. And that's all a good leader needs, minion."

"Whatever you say, Pads," Harry said, picking up an expensive looking vase from the sideboard that stood in the hallway and examining it suspiciously, as though a horcrux might be hiding in the bottom of it. "Split up?"

"Sure, see ya!"

Before Remus could protest, and before Snape could do more than widen his eyes in panic, Sirius had taken off down the hallway in dog form, disappearing around the corner. Harry shot them a grin, enjoying the twin looks of horror on their faces before he ran off down a different hallway to his godfather. The two men traded looks as Draco and Narcissa stared at each other awkwardly behind them in the doorway.

"This house is fucked," Remus said finally. Snape could only nod.

* * *

When Harry found the others again, he was feeling a little bit more than just tipsy. This was in small part due to the hip flask he carried with him constantly, but mostly due to the fact that in his exploration *cough* looting *cough* of the mansion, he had stumbled across the Malfoy's wine cellar. Suffice to say, it wasn't quite as well stocked now as it was when he'd found it.

Because of his rather drunken state, he wasn't entirely sure whether what he saw in the main receiving room of the mansion was actually happening or not. Remus was sat in one corner, surrounded by books that he'd *ahem* borrowed from the library, a large tome open on his lap. He was giggling to himself slightly manically. Sirius was in the opposite corner, using a large crowbar in an attempt to lever the glass doors of the liquor cabinet open. Narcissa and Draco were simply staring at each other from opposite sofas, and Snape, well Snape was just sitting there glowering at everyone around him. Harry almost felt sorry for him. Sarcastic remarks were his life.

"Pup!" Sirius greeted Harry enthusiastically, abandoning his pursuit of the bottles of amber liquid inside the cabinet for the time being. "What the fuck is that?"

Harry looked down to his hip, where he'd shoved the fanciest sword he could find in the armoury through his belt. With green jewels covering the hilt, and filigree silver decorating the scabbard, it was a stark contrast to the rest of his outfit but he wasn't letting it go. He'd already lost one sword, and this was his way of getting a replacement. Or an upgrade.

"Oh, I found it in the armoury. Sparkly, huh?" He moved his hips a little to make the jewels sparkle in the sunlight streaming through the windows.

"You have an armoury?" Sirius turned to Narcissa, who abandoned staring at her son for long enough to grin happily at her cousin. Sirius pouted. "I don't have an armoury."

"You should check the hidden vault under the dining room floor," Draco piped up suddenly, "If you actually want to check for horcruxes. If you just want to steal my family heirlooms, then you still might want to check the vault."

"Oooh! A hidden vault! Adventure!" Harry grinned, struggling to get his heavy sword out of the scabbard.

"Quit with the sword, pup, and come on already," Sirius cheered, halfway out of the room already, "And then you're showing me the armoury, and wherever you got all the booze from because you're clearly fucking wasted!"

* * *

The journey to the dining room was interesting, to say the least. Made even more interesting by the fact that halfway there they finally figured out where Dobby had wandered off to. It was Remus who actually found the house-elf, luckily distracting him from grumbling about being taken away from his new books.

He stopped in his tracks and Snape walked straight into his back. The potions master glared at the werewolf and stamped his feet a little to try and convey his annoyance but was generally ignored by everybody.

"What the…?" Remus murmured, turning his head towards a closed door that lead off from the ostentatious hallway along which they had been walking. His ears, better than the others' thanks to his furry little problem, were picking up an odd sound from behind the door. He stepped towards it.

"Oi, Moony, what the hell are you doing? Let's get on with the adventure already! And then we can get on with the tour of the wine cellar," Sirius waggled his eyebrows up and down, Harry grinning indulgently beside the older man.

"There's something behind this door, Padfoot."

"What is it?"

"I don't know, I haven't opened the bleeding thing yet!"

They all gathered round, interested now, and Remus pushed open the door. A high pitched cackling filled the hallway and half of the group shuddered involuntarily. Draco and Narcissa both started grinning. Draco, Remus reflected, had probably 'heard' something funny, and Narcissa… well, she was wasted. It could be anything.

Peeking around the doorway, Remus looked into the darkened room and saw that the sound was coming from Dobby. The room looked to be some sort of laundry room and the house elf was sitting in the middle of it holding a large sack and rifling through the piles of clothes. Every time he came across a sock he would cackle a little louder in triumph and throw it into the sack.

"What the fuck?" Sirius whispered, almost reverently, looking over Remus' shoulder. "That house elf has some proper fucking issues…"

"Shit yeah," Harry added. They all backed away and Remus shut the door as quietly as possible behind him.

"Detour!" Draco announced cheerfully after a moment of silence in which they all contemplated the scene they'd just witnessed. And he stomped over to a section of an elaborate tapestry that covered a length of the hallway and pulled it up to reveal a hidden passageway.

"But… the armoury… the wine cellar…" Sirius whimpered as they were all forced to follow the blonde down the passageway in single file.

"Cheer up, Pads," Harry laughed as they came out the other end into a large bedroom painted stylishly in tones of grey and silver. "If I'm not pretty fucking mistaken, Draco just led us to his dickhead father's bedroom."

"Shut up, Potter," Draco snapped, the vagueness that usually laced his voice these days absent for once. Harry just rolled his eyes and took a long drag from the cigarette that seemed to be permanently stuck to his lips but Remus saw the frown that marred the Gryffindor's forehead and knew how much it hurt Harry to have Draco speaking to him like that still.

In his reflection, Remus almost missed what Draco did next. In quick strides, he went to the bed and started to rummage in the bed sheets. When he emerged he was clutching a stuffed teddy bear in his hands.

"Aha!" He cheered, happy again all of a sudden.

"You found it," Narcissa breathed out in awe.

"Umm… is that what I think it is?" Sirius asked, a snort of laughter threatening to spill from his lips. Snape, Remus noted, looked positively pained at not being able to take the piss out of Padfoot at this point. Either that or he was feeling really constipated.

"Shut up, Black," Both Malfoys turned and snapped in unison, before their attention was once again focused on to the bear.

"Shall we burn it?"

"Burn it to ashes."

"Stamp on the ashes."

"Eat the ashes."

"Mum!"

"Okay, too far, sorry dear. Feed the ashes to the dogs."

"Better."

The other four occupants of the room exchanged a glance and as one began to back out of the bedroom on tiptoes, not speaking until they reached the other end of the hidden passageway and had put the tapestry back in place.

"I'm sure we can find the hidden vault without them," Remus said, hoping that they could just forget about the scene they'd just witnessed.

"Oh, fucking god yes," Harry groaned, turning and half running away down the hallway. The others had no problem following.


	4. Chapter 4

This one's sort of a short one, and also sort of a late one, but I'm already started on the next one, so that's... something, right? Right, guys?

Chapter Four

It was the second day of Hermione and Ron's stay at Grimmauld Place when Harry finally found out. He was sitting with Hermione in the library, swishing his new sword around experimentally and talking idly about going back to Hogwarts in a few weeks when she let it slip.

"I suppose you'll be getting an awful lot of attention, as well as the rest of us, of course, seeing as they don't believe you about Voldemort and all…"

"What do you mean they don't believe us?" Harry asked, incredulous.

"Well… they don't believe you, Harry. They're saying that we all made the story up, or had some sort of mass hallucination. I mean, the French and Bulgarian governments aren't happy with it, what with Fleur and Krum being part of it and all, so I'm pretty sure they're on your side out of principal, but that doesn't stop the fact that the Daily Prophet… wait, haven't you been reading the paper?" Hermione asked.

Harry scratched the back of his head sheepishly, waving his other hand towards the corner of the living room where a teetering stack of old newspapers sat. Hermione frowned as a bit of ash dropped from the end of the cigarette held loosely between the fingers of the hand he'd used to wave and landed on the, knowing the Blacks, probably very expensive rug covering the floor.

"I mean, sometimes we glance through them…" He trailed off at the look of outrage on Hermione's face.

"Glance through them? How in the world did you miss your faces plastered all over the front of them? Are you crazy?" She spluttered.

In a moment of extremely bad timing, Sirius walked through the door with Dobby on his shoulders, about ten of Hermione's hand-knitted hats perched on top of the house elf's head. They were singing the Macarena. Sirius was doing butt-wiggles.

"Why did I even need to ask?" She wondered out loud after a minute in which Sirius dislodged some of the hats by doing an extra-vigorous wiggle.

"What's up, fuckers?" Sirius asked boisterously, waving around a half empty bottle of whisky in one hand.

"Pads, they don't frickin' believe us!" Harry whined.

"What about the size of those guys last night? They were fuckin' giants, 'Mione, and there were five of them, five!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and Harry rubbed the bruise forming around his left eye self-consciously. If Sirius wasn't drunk again already, he'd be paying attention to the cardinal rule of lying about fights. The five times they'd told the others this morning had been plenty. Anymore and it'd be obvious that they were making it up.

"No, not the five giants last night, and seriously, 'Mione, they were fucking enormous, like, Hagrid size for fuck's sake."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, you expect me to believe that this story you've been telling us all morning is actually true? You do remember that we were there, don't you? And that me and Ron were the ones to calm things down and drag you two home, seeing as you were both too drunk to walk, let alone find your way back here."

Harry and Sirius stared at her, shocked. Even Dobby looked mildly indignant from his perch on Sirius' shoulders.

"How dare you?" Sirius asked her, "How dare you question the sanctity of our sacred words? Disbelieving little wench!"

A choke of laughter came from Harry, almost drowning out the indignant scoff from Hermione.

"We won't be telling my parents about that, will we?" Ron asked from the doorway, looking worried. "Dad's already weird about me staying here."

"I don't like them staying there," Arthur said to his wife over the dinner table. Ginny and the twins stopped their conversation about the merits of potion based itching powders versus charms to the same effect and looked across at their parents. Molly tutted and glanced at her staring children before answering.

"Yes, well. They're there now, and it's only for a few days. I'm sure Sirius won't be… too irresponsible."

The twins and Ginny snorted in unison.

"You have met Sirius, right?" Fred asked.

"About yay high?" George gestured with one hand.

"Black hair."

"Black clothes."

"Black toenails."

"He really should get that taken care of, it's a simple fungal cream."

"Even muggles have it."

"Black hair, this fellow has too."

"Maybe he doesn't wash?"

"Last time I saw him, he was in a bath tub."

"Wasn't that the bath tub filled to the brim with that strange pink jelly?"

"That would be the one, twin of mine, the very one."

"Not much cleanliness going on in that tub then."

"Not like us, brother."

"We are simply gods of hygiene though, brother."

"It's true. We shouldn't hold others to such high standards."

"Still, a shower wouldn't hurt."

"Okay, boys, enough. Of course I know Sirius, and I'm sure that he washes," Molly interrupted, much to the relief of her husband. If you let them, the twins could go on for ages like that. They'd had a memorable Christmas when the twins had been eight and Charlie and Bill had a bet going on how long they could carry on for. It had been coming up on three hours when Arthur, a little bit drunk on eggnog, had told the twins that if they didn't shut up, he'd curse them so that all they could ever hear was a recording of himself talking about all the muggle stuff in his shed with a great amount of enthusiasm. They'd shut up rather quickly after that.

"I just really hope he's not being _too _irresponsible. That's all I ask," Arthur complained.

"One hundred and twenty… twenty eight… one hundred and twenty… thirty! Ready orrr not, here I come fuckers!" Harry swayed slightly on the spot as he spun away from the wall he'd been facing, hands pressed tightly over his eyes. He pulled the cigarette from behind his ear and poked it between his lips. He lit up and took a drag before scanning the sitting room with slightly blurry eyes.

"I'm gonna fiiiind youuu!" He slurred in what he felt was a rather threatening manner. He blew smoke out through his nose and pretended for a few seconds that he was a dragon until he heard giggling from behind one of the thick burgundy curtains and his eyes narrowed and he stalked over the room. Well, he thought he was stalking. It was more a sort of stumble as he bashed into various objects on his way across to the windows. "I'm gonna geeetttt you!"

He ripped aside the curtain and almost fell over backwards. Dobby giggled and then gasped, seemed to realise that he'd been found already and darted through Harry's legs, running out of the room before he could be stopped.

"Hey!" Harry yelled, pouting, "Tha's no' fair! Tha's no' how you play!" He swayed a little more and then set out resolutely into the rest of the house, determined to, at the very least, hunt Dobby down and turn the little bit of fuzz the house elf had left on his head pink. Or green. Or gold. Or some sort of stupid ridiculous colour that would let Harry's friend know never to cheat at hide and seek ever again.

It can hardly be blamed on Harry that by the time he actually found Dobby, it was almost five hours later and the house elf was with the others, playing a drinking game that somehow involved Sirius climbing onto the kitchen table and drinking shots out of an old trophy they'd found in one of the cabinets.

"Where the hell have you been, pup?" Sirius asked, jumping off of the table and falling in a heap at his godson's feet.

Harry thought back to the events of the last five hours. Playing with his sword (his literal sword, not his *ahem*, metaphorical one) in the library, pretending he was battling aliens, having that game of 'no you shut up' with the portrait of Phineas Nigellus in his bedroom, and then finally falling down the ladder from the attic and lying on the floor for a while.

"I've been… uh… places. Various places. Of no interest to you, old man. Hey, Ruby's here!" Harry stepped over Sirius and made his way over to Ruby who was conveniently standing right next to a bowl of what looked to be some sort of punch. On further examination (and a glass or two) it turned out to be straight vodka with a bit of food dye.

Sirius paid him no mind and climbed back to his feet, throwing his arm around Hermione's shoulders and stopping her mid-rant. It turned out that far from mellowing her out, drinking just made Hermione more angry about various social issues. Sirius personally felt that his decade or so in Azkaban excused him from having to care about such stuff, but the Gryffindor didn't agree when he'd said so.

"Let's play the potato waffle game!" He announced, loudly, in Hermione's ear. Ron cheered a little too enthusiastically, waking Dobby up from his nap. Needless to say, they were all rather hungover the next morning and it took quite a few hours of showering to wash the potato waffles from various body parts.


	5. Chapter 5

Oh, I'm good. I actually have some free time right now, so I'm trying to get more of this written whilst I can. I'm actually having quite a bit of fun with it as well, which is cool. Thanks for all of the reviews on the other chapters (I think I answered them all, but sorry if I missed a few) and I hope you enjoy this one!

"It's a shame we never found the Malfoy's vault, eh, Pads? I bet that's where that fucker kept all his cool clothes."

Sirius snorted but didn't answer, too busy trying to pick a bit of food out of his teeth with a book he'd transfigured into a tooth pick. He hoped Moony wouldn't miss it. They were sitting in Harry's room, or at least Sirius was. Harry himself was standing in front of the full length mirror in the corner, turning this way and that and admiring himself. His hair had grown out a little longer than shoulder length and he'd had Ruby put a dread in at the back. He'd found a cool bead with a tooth charm hanging off of it that he'd attached to the end of the dread, and firmly ignored Hermione's warning that the tooth looked like it was diseased. He was wearing black skinny jeans ripped across the knees and a sleeveless grey tee that had slashes all across the back. The front had the words 'Tom Riddle is a bitty baby' emblazoned across it. It had been Sirius's birthday present to his godson.

"I mean, seriously though - "

"I'm Sirius!"

"He had some pretty cool fashion sense. All swishy cloaks and fuckin' pointy boots," Harry carried on, ignoring both Sirius's lack of interest in the conversation and his idiotic jokes.

"I'm boooorrreeeddd!" Sirius whined. Harry ignored him again.

"Maybe Draco inherits all his pointy boots now. Maybe he'll lend them to me. He's coming tonight, did I tell you?"

"I'm soooooo bored!" Sirius repeated, just for kicks. He knew full well that now that Harry had talked himself around to the subject of Draco bleeding Malfoy (as Sirius referred to the boy in the privacy of his own mind) he could probably say anything at all and Harry wouldn't notice.

"I walked in on your dad fucking Snape once," he said, to test it out. "Really going for it and all. They had this cheesecake and - "

"Does this look alright?" Harry asked, ignoring his godfather easily.

"Fuck's sake, pup, you look bloody… ravishing or whatever. Can we fucking _do _something now!"

"You want to do something?" Moony asked from the doorway. Sirius jumped guiltily and tucked the toothpick up his sleeve. "You can go and find me another copy of 'Grindelwald and Germany' seeing as you've bloody nicked my other copy and done god knows what with it."

"Eurgh, book shops," Sirius wrinkled his nose up. Moony crossed his arms and looked down his nose sternly at the two of them until Sirius began to wilt under his best friend's gaze. Harry saw what was about to happen and attempted to ward it off.

"But Moony, it's my birthday and… oh for fuck's sake." He stood up and dropped his chin towards his chest, dejectedly following his godfather out of the room and out of the house.

Moony smirked happily and headed to the fireplace in the kitchen. He had a few people to contact.

"Eurgh, book shops," Harry complained, standing in the middle of Flourish and Blotts. And then, "Oooh, they have another copy of 'Invisibility Potions and You' in." Harry had made the mistake of lending his last copy to Ron, who had promptly tried to brew one of the potions. The problems started when he decided it was safer to run human trials after making sure that he hadn't managed to make acid or something. Of course, the book itself had been the nearest thing at hand and once it turned out that Ron had in fact managed to brew a potion correctly for once in his life, he had decided to turn the book invisible. He then promptly dropped the invisible book onto the floor of the Common room and kicked it under a sofa in his attempts to pick it up. Suffice to say, it had never been seen again.

"Nerd," Sirius scoffed, nudging a table with his foot and making two of the shop assistants hovering worriedly around the pair wince.

"Fuck off, old man. And get Moony's bloody book, would you? I want to get home already so I can pick my outfit."

"I thought that was your damn outfit? I swear, pup, you're getting vainer than your dad these days. And that's saying something, I once found Prongs plucking his-"

"Ahem. Can I help you gentlemen at all?" One of the braver shop assistants had gathered her courage and approached the slightly infamous pair.

"Oh, fuck, I've forgotten what the book was called."

"Grindelwald and Gambia?" Harry tried, scratching the back of his head. "Grindelwald and Greece? There was some alliteration in there somewhere, I'm sure."

"Ah, Grindelwald and Germany?" The assistant asked after a minute in which she stared silently at the words scrawled across Harry's shirt. He and Sirius waited patiently. After all, it wasn't every day that the Boy-Who-Lived and his ex-convict godfather strolled into your bookstore, let alone when one of them is wearing a tee-shirt with 'Voldemort is a bitty baby' written on it.

"That's the one, love," Sirius grinned charmingly and Harry rolled his eyes.

"If you hadn't turned his other copy into a toothpick, we wouldn't even have to be here," Harry grumbled, scuffing his toe on the floor.

"Oh shut up, pup. You know he only wanted us out of the house so he could plan your surprise… uhh… your surprise hair cut. Yep, hair cut, that's the one. Surprise hair cut on your birthday… ahaha…" Sirius trailed off, looking around desperately for the shop assisted who was fetching his book. He missed the way that his godson brightened at the news.

"Hair cut? Cool."

By the time they left, Harry was thoroughly looking forward to his surprise hair cut and Sirius was beginning to worry about the effect all the booze had had on Harry's mental health. He didn't remember his godson being this dumb when they first met.

"You!"

They were both brought out of their thoughts by a female voice yelling at them from across the street. At least, the assumed she was yelling at them. Usually any yelling in their vicinity was aimed at them, after all. They were easy targets.

"Us?" Harry asked, pausing in the act of lighting the cigarette that Sirius was holding between his lips. The crowds before them began to part and a slightly short, rather slender girl with dark hair strode towards them looking furious.

"It wasn't me," Sirius said immediately, giving up on the cigarette and tucking it unlit behind his ear. "What did you do, pup?"

"Oh, uh, hey Pansy," Harry said, trying to back off a step but being blocked by the crowd that had gathered in a circle to watch. Many of them were openly sneering at Harry and Sirius, probably either because they were dressed like muggles or because they were dressed like particularly slutty (in Harry's case) and unkempt (in Sirius's case) muggles. Or, perhaps, because they were pure-blood supremists. You never know, these days.

"Wait, this is Pansy?" Sirius asked, "Yule Ball Pansy?"

"Yes, idiot, this is Pansy. Pansy Parkinson, in fact. And you are the fucking disgusting little mudblood who stole Draco from me. And then, and then! And then you decided that ruining his life by associating himself with you wasn't enough, and you decided to make him insane as well!"

"You can't fucking blame me for th-" Harry started to say angrily, but was cut off my Pansy who was beginning to sound more and more hysterical by the second.

"If you think I'll let you get away with this, Potter, that _we'll _let you get away with this, you're as crazy as your little _boyfriend!"_

Harry ground his teeth and stepped forward but Sirius grabbed the back of his shirt.

"Nuh-uh, pup, never start a fight with a woman as pissed off as this one is. Especially a Slytherin. They're sneaking fuckers, she'll curse your balls off or something," he muttered into his godson's ear. Of course, Sirius's idea of a quiet mutter is most people's idea of a normal conversational tone, so everybody around them heard him. Most of the men in the crowd squeezed their knees together and winced.

"That's right, _Potter," _Pansy spat out, backing off slightly. "You don't want to start a fight you won't win. And you'll never win against us." With that, she turned around in a whirl of robes and strode off into the crowd. Harry and Sirius just stood there for a minute as the crowd began to disperse around them, gossiping as they went.

"So, she seems nice," Sirius said eventually with a slightly strained grin. Harry choked out a laugh.

"Oh, yeah. She's great fun. Who the fuck is 'us' though? Her little crew of Slytherins? Oooo, I'm so scared!"

They laughed and the last bit of tension broke. Harry still sort of wanted to hit something, mainly because of the remarks about Draco, but he could wait. Maybe he'd get to hit something later, after his hair cut.

"Come on, pup," Sirius said, heading off towards the Leaky Cauldron, "They're probably all ready for your, ah, hair cut by now. Besides, you hang around here for too long and you're bound to get in another fight and then I always seem to get blamed for it."

"That's 'cos you're the responsible adult, Siri."

"Am I fuck!"

"Surprise!"

Harry stood in the doorway of the kitchen, blinking in shock as about twenty or so people grinned back at him. Hermione, Ron, and Neville were all there, as well as Cedric, the twins, Ginny and Luna. Bill was hovering near Fleur and Arthur and Molly stood off in one corner with Ruby, Tonks and her mother standing nearby. Remus and Dobby were grinning at the front of the lot. Hagrid took up the entire end of the table nearest to the fireplace and slightly hidden behind him were the people (or person) that Harry was happiest to see. Professor Snape, Blaise and Draco.

"Uh, so I guess the surprise isn't a hair cut, then?" Harry asked. His friends all looked at him bemusedly and Sirius barked out a laugh from behind him.

"Um, no. It isn't," Remus said, glancing at Sirius as though he thought his friend had gone completely crazy. "It's a party. We did the same thing last year, remember… how did you not guess this was going to happen?"

"What?" Harry asked, whining a little, "Pads said I was getting a surprise haircut!"

"And you believed him?" Hermione raised her eyebrows incredulously. They all ignored the furious and frustrated gestures that Snape was making.

"Yep, he's a dumb dumb all right!" Sirius cheered, clapping his godson on the back. "No how about some presents!"

The rest agreed and they spent an enjoyable half hour watching Harry rip open wrapping paper to find an assortment of books, bottles, clothes and various odd little items. Snape was making furious gestures again, staring at the back of Harry's head, but Blaise was the only one who paid him any mind and then only because his professor was constantly nudging his arm, miming writing on a piece of paper. Once the presents were over and done with and Molly was bustling around rustling up some food whilst everyone else (bar Luna and Draco who were having a hushed and distinctively giggly conversation in one corner) lounged around the table chatting, Blaise found a piece of parchment and a quill from the pockets of his robe. Snape scribbled furiously.

"Uh, Harry," Blaise called over a moment later, "Not to cause any alarm, but Professor Snape seems to think that the tooth charm on your dreadlock is cursed."

Snape stabbed his finger into the piece of parchment and Blaise shot him an annoyed look. Draco suddenly appeared behind Harry and began sniffing his ex-boyfriend's hair.

"I was getting to it, sir. Apparently you should take it out immediately or it might explode at any moment, probably taking your head with it."

There was a hushed silence across the room and Ruby subtly reached forward and pulled Draco away from the danger by his arm. Sirius barked out a laugh and pulled the charm off with his bare hand.

"Ow, Siri, that bloody hurt!" Harry whined, holding the back of his head where a few strands of hair had been yanked out. Snape face palmed in the background.

"You can put it in here, Mr Padfoot," Luna stepped forward, helpfully holding out a little box with the lid open. Sirius dropped it in, eyeing her suspiciously, and she snapped the lid shut. Everyone in the kitchen breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well," Harry said in a tone that was only a tiny bit strained. "I think we all deserve a drink!"


End file.
